Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes

Sometimes, people puzzle me. For instance, the boy previously mentioned on my 9/9/09 post decided to add me on FB. Strange. And here I was thinking we finally deleted each other out of our respective lives and I finally got the closure and goodbye I wanted. I guess he didn't get the same feeling.

Sometimes, when I think about someone so often and not see them for a while, I wonder if my mind invented such a happy image of a person out of pure longing for a someone.

Sometimes, I feel like if I think enough positivity and hope towards something, it turns out well. Perhaps it's a mindset thing because by the time there is a specific end to that situation, it's either turned into the preferred outcome or I've willed myself into acceptance and it doesn't shatter me the way I thought it would've.

Sometimes, I don't know why I'm doing something as I do it, and I know I'm going to regret it, but it keeps on happening. I feel an almost spirit-related split at that point because what I feel like I'm watching me from a distance.

Fixed Amount

Today was one of my very best days I've had in a long while. Despite waking up late for school today, everything else seemed to go very well. I got an excellent grade in my English class, I finished my homeworks, my Drivers Ed presentation went well, and ohhh, school went well. Speech may not be going my way, but I hope to make the best of it and it should allll be fine.

Band went beyond wonderfully for me tonight for some reason. I was in time [or at least I felt like it] and I just seemed to do be doing everything right for a change. My friend drove me home and we sang along to the radio, danced, and lip-synched ridiculously the entire way back [which isn't very long anyway], and oh my goodness, I haven't felt that elated in a long time and everything for me has just fallen into the right slots, and ahhhh. I haven't been that delighted in a long time. I felt like laughing so hard that I might explode from feeling so fantastic.

However, I feel like I'll never get over the person I'm trying to get over though, simply because he just randomly affects me when I least expect it to, which is basically when I'm least prepared. I don't know, but he just amazes me and bluhhh. Oh well. WHO CARES.

On the other hand, my mom has been increasingly harsh on my little sister. The second I arrived home, she popped out from no where, crying. I don't know why my mom has been acting so irrational and all I can say is that I'm so glad I'm not there to suffer it anymore. I practically live at school, so I luckily evade such depressing situations the way my sister cannot. We sat outside the house for half an hour as she told everything and she cried and I felt like crying too. I really hate seeing her sad.

It kind of feels like I got all the happiness alotted to my family for the day and my mom and sister didn't get any of it. It makes me feel rather bad.

I wonder if there is a specified quantity of everything that is rationed out daily, like good/bad luck, happiness, appetite and such. It sometimes feels like that when my friends and I talk about our good/bad days and how we have polar opposites going on for us. Strange. I would ponder more on the topic, but I am thoroughly EXHAUSTED from band, in the best way possible. [continuationonanotherdaymaybe?]

NOTevenAblogPOST[driversedyes]

Illinois State University has decided on a new parking plan for future football and basketball games at Redbird Arena due to the numerous complaints from the residents of Adelaide Street regarding the fans' cars parked along their street, fan behavior, littering and alcohol consumption. Suggested ideas included constructing a new parking building, an on-campus trolley system, and using parking lots across campus instead of overflowing onto Adelaide Street. Through consideration, we decided to combine the two latter ideas: a trolley system will transport fans from several of the previously mentioned parking lots.

The new system allows audience members to park anywhere on campus, walk to any one of the depicted stops, and take one of the six trolleys. Two hours prior to the start of the sporting event, the trolleys will begin their circulation. Each stop will be visited by a trolley every fifteen minutes. The trolley will continue to run throughout the game and finish their course an hour after the game ends.

Licensed drivers should note this new update as they are responsible for their vehicle and parking. Students should receive some information of the change in their drivers’ education courses. In order to inform pedestrians, there will be signs and notices posted all over campus and on some of the streets on which parking may "overflow" onto. This change in our parking system will be broadcast on local radios and printed in the newspaper. Further reminder of the alteration will be printed on the back of tickets.

Our new system will be enforced with police control and ticketing. Fans' cars parked on residential streets or outside of campus will be ticketed. Attendees of the events will be presumed to know the new program. In order to evaluate our change, questions and comments will be taken and answered through the following communication methods:

Email: pjdeter@ilstu.edu

Phone: (309)-438-5111

Address:

Campus Box 2660

College at Delaine

Normal, IL 61790-2660

Dressing

My favorite colors to wear are
neon oranges, goldenrods,
foresty greens, and dark blues.
Lighter colors with black and
darker ones with white for contrast.

Painpainpainouchouchhurtagh

I've always believed that if I say something enough times, it'll become true. I've been telling most all my friends that I in fact DO NOT LIKE ANYONE NOT AT ALL NO NOPE NEVER. It's not working. I feel like I'm falling to pieces because I've always liked him and I know/have known he'd never feel the same and it'd never work. I've never wanted something like that to work because all together, as my friend has told me, high school relationships are meaningless and I personally believe friendships will last longer. I like him, but I don't want to act on my feelings or anything like that, but with everything that's happening lately, I feel like I've been repeatedly stabbed in the heart.
I kind of want to go more into detail about this, but at the same time, I'm concerned that random stalkers will see this and go AOIHGSODIJ LET'S TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS.

On a side note, I have an A- in Drivers Ed again and I am now SAFE.

Anniversary of an End

It's been one year. I can't even understand why this still means so much to me. He wasn't anyone that special and he definitely wasn't someone I liked so much I thought I was going to burst. I suppose it's just that we both had a little something for each other. It was just a one-month thing, a tiny blip in both of our lives, but it was the first time I heard a boy say I-love-you to me.

I texted him today. It wasn't anything creepy, it was just a hello. One word. For the first time in over half a year, he answered. My phone buzzed and I saw his name and my heart just started pounding the way it always used to whenever he texted me. It makes me feel oddly blank thinking about this, but for a moment, I just sat here and stared at the unopened message, hoping for some sort of friendly message and a sort of I-missed-you and keeping let's-still-be-friends promise he made.

"Who are you?"

I don't mean anything to him. I don't, I don't, I don't, and I don't know why I can't shake him out of my mind. It's ridiculous. Just STUPID. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I still care; I feel like a stalker. It's really rather degrading. I feel like some dirty thing that keeps following him and he just keeps trying to throw me away and get away, but ugghhhhh...

I just wish I could let go.

People in People.

I'm deeply frustrated with one of my friends who tells just about everything to my sister and tells her not to tell me half of it. It kind of really hurts my feelings since a] I thought we were better friends than that and b] I told him how it bothers me that he isn't telling me stuff and he said it wasn't fair on and blahblahblah and carries on with it. He's also just being an idiot with a lot of things and making me worry. SUCH A GUY. What really irritates me the most is that I cannot stay mad at him because I'm worried about him and staying mad wouldn't help in the first place and seeing him be all happy makes me feel relieved. RIDICULOUS. RANDOM YELLING OVER THE INTERNET.

I don't know why I was and am so upset about what he did. A lot of people do that. I was thinking it over as I was talking to a friend this weekend about the issue I have about it, and I realized it's probably because I thought he was about that and I just thought to highly of him to start with. There are just too many sides to one person and seeing so much more of this is making me a bit dizzy. I don't know whether or not to like him less for this, but I still care about him either way.

In the simplest terms I can put it, before this week, I saw him in a 'third-level' aspect in my mind. It's how I specify how close I am to someone. First, to me, is skimming the surface of things, second is being acquaintances that make good small talk, and third is really know the person on the side they wish to show you. But it's not quite a side, it's more like a whole different person all in one person. So fourth-dimension of knowing someone is like trying to see everything physically in the fourth dimension: just mind-shatteringly confusing. It's seeing them from various angles and sides. Most of the time, when I see these other parts of the person, I really see why the person didn't want me to see that and I kind of begin distancing myself from him/her. I don't particularly want to in this situation, but the other sides of him still bother me a lot.

I SOUND STOOPUD.
But it makes sense to me.

This makes him sound awful I think, but he's really a good person. Really. I really hope.
And I made myself sound bad, but I don't care about that at all b/c I am a pretty awful person.