Envidiosa&Aburrida

I have always had my little bouts of envy, but I haven't had the sort that burns angrily in the pit of my stomach in a while. I get jealous of trivial things that I feel that I should have been able to get, and that last portion makes me so aggravated. The fine line between should and could always gets me and drives me insane all the time, but it really has been quite some time since I last got this jealous. Ohh, I hate comparing myself with others, but I do so so frequently that it has become second nature. NEGATIVITY!

The situation that has been bothering me recently involves a Chinese girl befriending a Chinese friend of mine, which is great for the both of them, but I do dislike that she seems completely uninterested in becoming friends with me, or at the very least, fangirling buddies. It gives me the impression that I must be highly boring/obnoxious/uninteresting, so perhaps I need to work on my personality again. As mentioned in the previous post, I've gone back to being boring all over again, so this may be a sign that I need to start changing that.

I hate that I can't do everything I want to do. For example, I cannot both do satisfactorily in school AND maintain all the friendships I wish to obtain and keep. Nor can I manage to find time to improve my Chinese and learn more Spanish and read more classics. I suppose I'll just learn how to improve my managements time and my jealousy/boringness in the meantime.

In the last five months,

• I've managed to gain ten pounds. What the fuck. How did that happen? I suppose I stopped caring about what I looked like after I stopped liking guys in my town because I kind of started flopping around looking like WHATEVER and eating anything within arm's reach. I think a large majority filled in sometime in December/January, and oh goodness, I am so disgusting right now.
• I moved my ranking up to first! Great.
• I have decided that I am despicable/nauseating and folded in on myself to the point where I've reverted back to the same mentality that I had when I was in seventh grade. What the fuck. How did this even happen? I think I've pretty much fallen back onto what I was like in seventh grade: tubby, awkwardly quiet, uninteresting, and fatfatfat. So gross.
• I decided Asian boys are infinitely better than white boys. However, at the rate I'm going, neither of the sort will be interested in me. So. Horrifically. Whiny.
• I made two excellent friends and both of them moved to Texas. I now have to great pen pals and I am currently eagerly awaiting their letters.
• I fell in love with Super Junior.
• I suddenly found myself having multiple affections for multiple people, which is something I've never had before, and none of these feelings are deep enough for me to say that I'd like to one day be good enough to devote myself to a relationship with them, but strong enough for me to, ahhh, want them an awful lot. Hormones at work.
• I somehow stopped hating speech.