of love

last night i finally had a bit of a meltdown and i cried to my mom for the first time in years, perhaps for the first time ever [it used to be crying because of her or crying behind her back], and i felt so relieved.
"if you enter this world knowing you are loved and leave knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." - michael jackson

this morning i woke up and i was so startled to find it is december.
i stared at my hands, my walls, out my windows and asked myself,
how did all this time go away?
what have i been doing these last eight months?
am i happy with who i am?
who am i?
and i can't honestly answer any of these question still, but it's dreadful waking up and realizing that everything you've done in the last eight months [a premature renaissance!] doesn't line up with your values and your dreams. it was like molting off a temporary personality that i'd been using to hide my honest eyes and seeing how i had been living and how i had let many things slip away and let my priorities fall out of line. i suppose these last three weeks have built up to this point, but it was nevertheless an utter shock to me.
what a rip van wrinkle moment, i wake to find that all situations and people and ideas have changed, but at the heart of hearts, i have not changed at all. i still have the same problems, same desires, same hopes, same fears save for a few new ones, but i'm essentially the same dream-filled child that i've been since i was twelve with several outer refinements. all my shortcomings are the same, perhaps a tad muted, but still very present. oh, and i thought i had grown up so much!
i've been letting myself fall to ruin, all of these things are merely choices. i've said this so many times before, been told this so many times before, and today it sunk in entirely and it really hit me that i need to change too. i can't sit and wait any longer, and the only thing i've truly learned about myself these last eight months is that i'm incredibly impatient and certainly not waiter. at the core of my being, i am do-er, a leader of sorts, and this is why i've been so unhappy lately. i haven't been doing, i've been hiding in self-doubt.
i'm just repeating the same pains, same stories, same-same again and again, but all i want is newnewnew!
i want to
start living again.
"for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - william shakespeare

i talked with a friend for a long time today, about everything, frightening and frivolous, serious and cereal, oh, this is just how we are: giggly girls.
every time we talk, i just remember how much i am madly in love with living and everything in life! and i need to remember this everyday, how i am not as terrible as i've convinced myself i am, and although i fault myself for everything that happens, the greatest error is in doing nothing about it.
here it is: my greatest fear is not loneliness or death or public speaking anymore, it is being helpless. i am afraid of being unable to change anything that makes life unbearable, and all that needs to be changed is attitude or mindset or outlook, and thus helplessness is a choice. how ironic, i create my own fears in trying to escape my fears, just as i try to combat problems by using those problems.
tomorrow is another day, and each day ahead of us holds so much promise: pregnant with possibilities!
"of the chameleon's dish: i eat the air, promise-crammed." - william shakespeare

today i started living again, and tomorrow and each day ahead, i swear i will continue doing that, and i never intend to lose sight of that again.
"when there is no hope, one must invent hope." - albert camus

i thank the Lord for everything and everyone He has put in my life
and ask that He never let me stop appreciating and thanking Him for this
and His everlasting love, and i ask that
He give me the strength to give such love to everyone and everything just as He does.
if God can find it within Him to love us and forgive us for all our mistakes
[us, we who are all flawed],
i can do the same,
for Him and others and myself.
"when you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ; He forgave us all our sins." - colossians 2:13